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Instances of Uselessness E-mail

Here's just a nano-list of some instances of  Uselessness, that I and my friends have endured over the years:

  • He decides he wants to go Christmas shopping at  Canary Wharf and yet fails to fill up with enough petrol, to get through the Blackwall  Tunnel.
  • He has a choice of 365 days and He dumps you on....(let me see, what's the worst day of the year to be dumped on?)........Oh yeah....... Valentines Day.
  • He gets so drunk at his Grandmas funeral, that he is violently ill in  your car. Understandable yes but when your two small children become immersed or rather submerged  in sick........I tell you what, let's just leave this one right here.
  • He still  has a French childhood `Pen Pal' and he is 44 and is a city trader  (my theory is that the Pen Pal relationship, has progressed to one where they just  exchange sex-letters)
  • Has a penchant for wearing Speedos when in France, accompanied by the need to go canoeing with his `Pen Pal'. You do not get invited to France by the way, He is relating the story to you.  I told you it was strange.
  • Does all of the above and  then doesn't mind, if people  take photos  of him while doing so! (still all true)
  • On  a  cocktail of drink and drugs, your boyfriend decides to drive from his flat (in Brockley) to yours (in Welling) He successfully manages to get all the way to the end of your road (without killing anyone) then the friend you share your house with, runs in  the front door, ashen white, traumatised,  screaming `Someone's just nearly killed  me, he mounted the pavement and everything!...He's taken down a  lamppost and a wall and ended up in someone's front garden'.
  • After getting arrested for trying to kill you, He goes to visist your elderly father and takes him out for the day.  He then informs him, that he will be taking you to court for `slander/defamation of character'.  He asks your Father, if he will be the star witness? (This is more psychotic than Useless but that's another website)
  • He goes out drinking after work on  a Friday night and comes home, in a vicious mood  and flushes the entire contents of your make-up bag down the toilet (including the most treasured, very valuable, YSL`Touche Eclat'.  It is your beauty essential, the very antithesis of the U.B. Himself, as it is the most useful thing you own, as it can: erase any dark shit, highlight your radiance and make you feel beautiful, which a UB categorically does not. What the hell are you going to do, with no Touche Eclat? It is an unmitigated disaster!! Who cares about the UB.  His useless. I have to get to Selfridges ASAP! No woman should be without her Touche Eclat, ever.
  • He comes home drunk before running a bath and passing out in your, small 1st floor flat. The flood comes in at Biblical proportions.   Everything, is either: skwishy and totally ruined beyond repair or smells totally horrid.  The smell of mould will never, ever, leave the flat again.
  • You go to a friends dinner party, with the loveliest people in the world. He downs three glasses of red wine, in half an  hour and starts a vicious row with his lovely friend Mark.  He becomes abusive. You leave totally embarrassed, mortified and humiliated, only for you  to get  in the  mini cab and for him  to tell the driver `Take me to Lewisham, I want to buy a gun....I'm going to shoot someone'.
  • The  personal hygiene regime of the abusive boyfriend, went out with the fall of The Berlin Wall.  You have to tell him to wash.
  • A policeman has been telling one of your best friends, to tell him when your single again. He waited 3 years to take you out and so you assume, that he genuinley  must really like you.  You like it 'cos he is assigned to `terrorism unit' (the uniform, the bullet proof jacket, handcuffs...etc..I don't need to say anything else, do I?) anyway....blah blah.  After the third date (at a restaurant in Blackheath) he says `Look, I've been seeing someone else and I like her more than you.........so.....'(basically your dumped) I felt so shocked, sickened and devasted by his cruelty, I actually threw-up. I told a girlfiend of mine, at the time what he had said to me and she actually laughed. Needless to say we are no longer friends.
  • He forgets his wallet on your second and third date. There is no fourth.
  • He Cried, all day, when His favourite racing driver, Arton  Sena died (wake-up and smell the coffee even de-caff, would surely make him realise, he needed to get a life!!!!!)
  • You go to his house for the second time.  When you turn around, he has taken all his clothes off.  This is a shock especially since he is 50 years old moreover more especially than that, is the shock,  that he had deemed it necessary, to shave all  his pubic hair off. `It' shared a passing resemblence to a `Bush Tucker meal', from `I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here'; although to be fair, the `Bush tucker Meals' usually had a bit more protein on them......know what I mean?

          (Idea for ITV 1.  Please do a show called: `I'm A Wanker get Me Out Of Here')

  • Same U.B as above.......If upon the first date  he says `Me and you might get married'.  Do  run for the hills if he says that......it's just a precursor...His a raving lunatic!.
  • You're seeing a man who owns an Off Licence in Bexleyheath. He informs you
  • that you  have given him a Sexually Transmitted Infection (your devastated) You go to a hospital in (mortified) you have all the relevant tests done (embarrassing, soul destroying and your in tears).....and guess what? Yes...there's nothing wrong with you, that's right; nothing.  That's what I said and here it is again; Nothing!  Turns out his still sleeping with his old girlfriend and she gave him the infection.  Nice man.   Later when your discussing the split with a work colleague, He remarks 'Anyway.......He looked like a holiday rep, from Thompsons, with that quasi-Arthur-Scargil-type-Shredded-Wheat- tectured-comb-over' and `Anyway what kind of real man, plays tennis, in a park in Sidcup anyway?' It was nearly worth, nearly having an infection, just to hear that pearl of wisdom!
  • Gets someone else pregnant, while you and he are going through I.V.F.
  • His verbose. This could be the vital clue, that he could be considering a life in politics and as we all know, politicians are lying scum.
  • Two-times you with someone your related to or He two-times you with someone your best mate is related to (both true)
  • Looks at you dogmatically and states 'If we ever split up...  I could get you back like that' and he clicks  his fingers. If that isn't the `kiss of death', I don't know what is. 
  • After being together 35,  years he runs off with someone the same age as your daughter.
  • Does not buy you Birthday, Christmas or Valentines presents or any type of presents (this is the tight one) The only present he ever bought you (a camera) he keeps for himself, when you spit up.
  • He takes you out for the night and leaves you there, without even saying goodbye.
  • Tells you his leaving you, in the delivery suite, after you've just given birth, to your third child.
  • Disguises the fact that he is a drug addict.
  • Disguises  the fact his  an alcoholic.
  • Disguises the fact that he spends all his money on, Internet gambling sites.
  • Disguises  the fact he is a miser.
  • Disguises the fact that he is all of the above, in one succinct package.
  • Conceals the reality that he is impotent (there's nothing wrong with that at all) but it is the elaborate, Machiavellian lengths (and that's another website)he goes to, to disguise the fact.  Surely it would be easier, to be HONEST and say `I've got a medical condition'.
  • Tells anyone that knows him, that you do not work, when you do; 6 days a week! You lecture at college and you work on a Saturday.
  • Borrows your  car on a  Saturday night and leaves it on top of a grass roundabout, in Sidcup, on a Sunday morning. You get a £80 fine through the post, which he refuses to pay for.
  • Takes his cat for a walk, at 5am.
  • Talks about his life, with his cat.
  • Gives the cat more attention than you (he sits there cradling and kissing the cat, when you go around there)
  • Talks about how he got `custody' of the cat, when he split up with his ex-partner.
  • The day he said he'll help you move (because you have a slipped disc) he turns up and says he is not going to help you at all  because you've  not packed properly and promptly leaves.
  • This happened to my beautiful friend: the U.B. `knocks about' in the attire of that of a  50-year old geography teacher (that maybe reason for prejudice itself.) He lives in a house with five, other utterly single men.  He works for `Network Rail' (that could be another justifiable reason for prejudice) He wears his hair in an 1980's, wedge style, complete with middle parting ( I know this is no reason for prejudice but this isn't the fulcrum yet)  Is totally grey. `Colours' it (colour, in the looses sense of the word)  brown and so has a permanent grey re-growth (again no reason for prejudice but this still isn't the fulcrum) He goes up to Bolton, for `Work' every other weekend (never was that euphemism, used so much, by so many, to so few) BUT (and this is the fulcrum) .......in his spare time he is a... `Community  Police Officer' (the plastic police to you and me) And there you go......combine all the contributing components together and it's a heady mix! Heady! Even Carol Vorderman wouldn't have been able to put those figures together and come out with a credible answer and neither could my friend.....she binned him and let's hear  the applause........
  • And talking of Donna.........she goes to the cinema on a 1st date.  Rhetorical Question...how many times do you  think, it took for the U.B's  mobile phone to ring, before she realises that he was a drug dealer?.......what do you think? luckily she binned him, after the 10th ring.
  • He let's you believe your moving to the other end of the country, are buying a flat together, getting married, can give up the job you  love, say good bye to all your family and friends and then changes his mind (the day before you are going) keeps all the savings, leaves you all the bills, keeps all the furniture you  bought,  leaves you penniless, jobless and homeless. Of course he had the  right  to change his mind  but he could  have told you, before you handed your notice in and that is what makes him `Useless'.
  • Same boyfriend as above. Forgets there's two of you in bed, when your having sex.  He rushes, is lazy and just pleases himself.
  • Because he has taken too many drugs in his life and now can't control his bladder; He urinates in bed.
  • Is attached to three or four spare mobile phones.  Why? To paraphrase a friend they  are: `Slag Phones' and baby ain't that the truth.
  • Fails to tell you his impotent (through his drug/alcohol problem)
  • Pawns his Mothers jewellery (to  buy drugs)
  • You take him to your best friends, posh wedding in Essex and it later turns out, he asked the groom ``Does anyone here sell cocaine?''
  • Takes you to his company's `Christmas do' in London (on the coldest night of the year) leaves you there on your own, in  the street and you have to pay £90, to get an unlicensed taxi cab home, with someone who: does not speak English and does not know what side of the road we drive on. Always bad especially when driving down;Shooters Hill. Finally the nail in the `Night Out Coffin' you lose one of your Swarozski earings in the back of the cab. A veritable disaster.
  •  He refuses to work yet paradoxically looks down on people who do.
  • Your going out with a guy, who comes from an affluent back ground and speaks very well.   You belong to the upper echelons of the working class, socio-economic group and being indigenous to London,  your accent is  `colloquial vernacular'. In short...He is embarrassed because you sound `common'.  This is the scenario;
  •  your at his flat in Sutton one  weekend and his children turn up. To your amazement (and I did laugh) He tells them, that you are his `cleaner'.  Argh! the nuances of the good old British class system. At it's best...it's just perfect to inflict lots of psychological damage, including extreme  lack of self-esteem.
  • (Same guy as above)  He is;  44 years old. You assume that he is sensible because he has his own trading company in the city. WRONG.  Why? because every time you used to pull up along side other cars, at traffic lights, he always  performed `Air Guitar'. That's bad enough however, this was aggravated ten fold,  by `performing' it to a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.
  • Eventually the felicitous occasion arose, when he `performed' to........ `Pump Up The Jam'.  The extra,  contributory component of `Uselessness' in this instance (which exacerbated e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g) was that he `performed' outside the trendy, `Fish' restaurant, in Borough Market London, with an audience of Japanese tourists  (they take photos of anything and it's their Human Right) My Human Right, was that I wanted to slash my throat, with a dirty, blunt, razor blade and drink the water from the drain, in which a diseased drug addict had just urinated. What kind of a boyfriend is that? I shall tell you once again, in case you missed it... `USELESS', useless, useless, useless.
  • (Same guy as above)Takes you out for the night and then tells you, he is going on holiday alone, on a;  `Singles Skiing' holiday! Your shocked.  Before you have time to react, he  then reinforces the dire impact of  the statement, by announcing imperiously and quite categorically 
  • `Of course it's not a given, that I'll sleep with someone else'. 
  •   Next ( still same guy as above)He tells you that He is going to take you on holiday.  Hurrah! but there is a catch.  It must be on a certain date.  Well this date that He has given you, you had a few things to do.  Nothing trivial or frivolous though. Through clever manipulation of beaurocracy and other peoples dedication to you and their altruisim, I managed to reschedule most of the important events and things, that I was meant to do, during this period, when he is taking me (or meant to be taking me on holiday)  Now here is where it turns nasty, Seeing as I was doing a post-grad degree, I foolishly tossed into the equation, the following flippant remark; `Can't we just go on another date?' He had a melt down and blurted out, whimpering hysterically sounding like someone had just a trod on Yorkshire Terrier, `But I must  be out of the country on that date because it's  my ex- girlfriends birthday and I'm still in love with her''.   Binned. I said to him  'Stick the holiday up your arse'. 
  •  He informatively tells you......`I've used prostitutes in the past' (honest yes but mentally ill? Most probably)  Oh and then he tells you (over a casual drink in Hackney) that yes he has been, `Sectioned' in the past (bingo girl you've struck gold)
  • Has children  from  previous relationships, living on three different continents, over  the planet  and spends; Christmas, Easter (and any  other holiday) flying around the globe and therefore doesn't have time for you.Takes you out and then informs you must  buy stiletto shoes, otherwise he and you `Won't Work'.
  • Turns up for your date, at  the arranged time, sweating profusely, still in his gym gear and then says he has to go home and have a shower.  He'll see you in an hour and a half.  Rearrange the  words; bother and why.
  • Tells your boss, that you said, that the party he threw,`Was shit'. OMG horrendous.  What a bastard.
  • Tells you that with  no clothes, on you look like you've just had a baby.  Your 9  stone.
  • When your already working six days a week, he tells his accountant, that'll you'll clean his office.
  • And finally, when you tell him you do not want to see him again, he attempts to kill you, in a cocaine induced stupor, by chasing you in his step-father's Toyota. Oops oh yeah....he still manages to drive it, even though his leg is in plaster. Isn't that illegal?