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This instantly reminds me of that old Motown Song; `My Guy'. I'm not a song writer but baby, that song needs it's lyrics changing..........promto! I could do that but not without incorporating, the tedious repetition of explicit, expletives, which would whence forth, deem it unfit for  human audiology and all propriety. Audiophiles everywhere would be flinging themselves on train lines;I just couldn't do it. So here I have charted, for prosperity and anthropological purposes, just some, of the vindicatory-Internet-safely-acceptable; `Useless-Habits'. 

If you are keen to unearth, the true, horrific, real catalogue of  `Useless habits', you'll have to meet me for lunch and once again, let me reiterate, my stories may not be fit for human consumption and talking of consumption, when you've heard them, you will wish that your brain tissue will rot away. So.....here is my edited list of `Useless habits'.

  • The boyfriend who's personal hygiene regime, when out with the fall of the Berlin Wall, used to cut his toenails in the bath and then line them all up,  along the grouting in the bathroom tiles. The tantalising mosaic of colours and textures, used to fill me with nausea.  When I first went into his office and politely asked him,  if he could dispose of them, he stated `No it's my flat, leave them'.
  • He has a fear of being left on his own and so follows you from room to room. Later on you read, its a corresponding factor, in drug abuse.
  • He lingers around you when you are on the phone; He can't handle it. One, He does not know who you are speaking to, two, He can't control the conversation, three, He even orchestrates trying to get in on the conversation, four, he wants to know if you are talking about him, going to talk about him, have said anything about him and finally fifth, you are giving someone else your undivided attention. He resorts to tactics every time that will get you off the phone. (that's another useless section no doubt)
  • He whispers on the phone to his friends that you are `Having a nervous break-down'. My friend said that this was a `smoke screen', to cover his own cocaine-drug-withdrawal. 
  • Did you ever see Mount St Helen's explode, in the 1980's? Toss that around in your head for a while and try to transfer that image of, pyroclastic flow, to a human counterpart, of him in cocaine withdrawal. Violent and evil.
  • He repeatedly, soberly tells you, what a honourable, noble and generous son and grandson he is.  What springs to mind here is,  the Emperors new clothes.
  • Endlessly, endlessly, tells you about how hard it is, for him to work (like he is the only person on the planet that does so)  How hard it is to talk to people, to get up, to commute, to get paid, to concentrate, to communicate with his intellectually inferior colleagues, to deal with his boss, to have started at the bottom, to have learned to use the computer at 35, to work  on commission only..........He says 'You just don't realise how hard it is for me'..........`It's really hard' `My job is so hard' He moans and moans and moans, etc etc etc, blah, blah, blah, rhubarb, rhubarb, moan, moan, moan, moan.  If only it were that simple for you; you only have to prepare lectures for college.
  • Before he is about to drink a cup of tea or coffee....nay anything in a cup, he precisely and delicately laps the rim of the cup, with his tongue.
  • When he knows you hate it, as it is disrespectful,  rude and slovenly, He purposely dumps rubbish in your car.  You imagine this is premeditated, as for instance; he opens his post in your car in the morning and leaves the torn envelopes and junk mail there, he unwraps his packages from E-Bay in your car, he takes either his: breakfast, Elevenses,  tea and supper in your car and sometimes even conducts all four, in one day, in there.
  • What about this one; He says `I'm going to put the recycling in your boot and take  it to Crayford  tomorrow'.  Yep you guessed it never gets done.  You do it eventually and last `I'm going to do a boot sale'......same as before. You were  bitter at the time, because your car, looked as if you lived in it.
  • He  snatches the wheel  from you when you are driving ( incidentally, he is the worse driver in the world)
  • He uses the mobile perpetually when he is driving and defends  himself by saying `Well other people do it'....... `Nick rolls joints, while he is driving'.
  • When you first meet, He pretends to care.  He pretends to be interested in reading, current affairs, world politics, literature, history, philosophy and the esoteric.  In reality....he just  cares  about himself and how other people view him.
  • Is only friends with people who have money and  refers to them by saying `I can get something out of them', `he is useful  to me' and the  ultimate mantra `Mix with successful people and you become successful'
  • Giggles like a four year old girl whilst flicking his fringe.