Home Characteristics of a UB
Characteristics of a Useless Boyfriend E-mail

Ladies  over the years, I have been told, warned, advised and heard about, the differing speculations, as to what are, the defining physical characteristics and idiosyncrasies of a UB. At last here in it's entirety, is a comprehensive list, which you may  browse, at  your leisure.

  • A weak chin or undershot jaw.
  • Blow-dried hair.
  • Talking about himself non-stop.
  • Talking about his collection of Star Wars helmets.
  • Does not tell you his impotent, as it is not important at all.
  • Bone idle-uselessness (Test him. Leave a tea towel on the kitchen floor and see how long it stays there for)
  • Pale blue watery eyes, which are prone to conjunctivitis on a  regular basis.
  • A `shuffle' that is barely detectable but at once immediately apparent, when walking on  laminate flooring. Also (the same man, is into interactive porn and I still don't know what that is) 
  • Shaving from the neck down, into a miraculously precise point, which finishes in  between the middle of the shoulder blades and looks as if been done with a spirit level and  some kind of advanced, mathematical measuring device.
  • Any shaving of body hair, with the excuse of `sport'.
  • Any shaving of pubic hair.  No excuse.
  • Walks like a Neanderthal chimp (when on or off laminate flooring)
  • Walks like a  Neanderthal chimp and walks a cat.
  • Walks like a Neanderthal chimp walking his cat and shaves his back into a point (I'd like to go on with this one  but if I give any more away, I'll get sued but He lives in Swanley and he is into interactive porn)
  • Has sloping shoulders, that cannot accommodate a rucksack.
  • He cannot put his hand in his pocket.
  • Total lack of spirituality.
  • Total lack of  emotional intelligence.
  • A security guard, is meant to protect you, offer you a ' care of duty'.  The uniform gives the man a seemingly professional front, that is meant to offer all females, saftey and sanctuary, protection in an otherwise threatening world, security;does exactly what it says on the tin. In reality, we pay heavily for it, with our maintenance and so they are essentially professionals like any other and we expect alot.  If He works in The Royal Sea Bathing Hospital, in Margate, don't expect too much...sorry... moreover one should expect, a predatory seducer, of lone female residents.  The security uniform, is the perfect front for a UB. You know what I am going to write next, don't you? Once happily ensconed in the warmth of a new relationship, the female resident descovers....yes she is dumped and he has a girlfriend....Bless him, He thinks his clever.  He must be so inadequate that the only way he can justify his existance, is to get his ginger genitalia out of his pants. Frightening. It could be useful though, ginger genitalia, could be the First Worlds anwser to beating Isis (ginger genitalia haven't been invented in the Middle-East)  no weapons needed. Get that out and they'd be running for the hills, squealing like little piggletts and they would definitely be begging Alah for mercy then.