Home No-nos with a UB
Useless no-nos E-mail
  • As I said, go to his companies Christmas do. Girlfriends he'll leave you there, wherever it is.
  • If He tells you he is taking you on holiday and then (your 1st together)  books a trip to WALES, dump him faster than a shit load of nuclear waste.  A few reasons why: 1) OK i'm racist but Walses is shit (2) if he was taking you the The Isle of Man, there would at least be some novelty value in it:kitsche.  At least in the Isle Of Man, you know that there's nothing to see there and after the first 10 minutes, you know his going to take you back to the hotel and shag you silly. (3) His taking you to Wales because his tight (4) His taking you to Wales because noone else goes there and so it's perfect for him as, He has no social skills and cannot communicate with anyone (wake up chicks', his on the spectrum) There is absolutely nothing wrong with being autistic but hey, you need to think of your special needs, yeah? Bin him for fucksake. 
  • Don't go any where with him, if his friends warn you his `tight'.

  • Never go to a beach party in Whitstable because everyone will be on drugs, even people with small babies.

  • Do not go to any sort of sporting event, in an area of London you do not know. When he collapses drunk and gets `carted' away for `Drunk and Disorderly', you'll get lost on the London Underground and they'll be doing `Work' on the District Line. You'll end up on a bus service to Barking and then The Woolwich Ferry. (it's easier backpacking around Australia)

  • And also, when and if, the police do ring you to collect him from a police station, DO NOT GO because no matter how cavalier the word, `Wanker' is slung back over his shoulder, at the policeman on the front desk, I promise you, you will be mortified.

  • Do not go to any pub in Chelsea. The spectacle or rather spectre, of the U.B trying (that's the operative word) to `Make love' (and again that's speculation because I don't know any man, who has done any research into `How to make love to a woman properly') to the door frame.....well...... it's all too much, especially if you think he's used a better technique (on the door frame) than he `attempted' on you. (lazy bastard. Can someone please start a college course, for men on `How To Do It P-R-O-P-E-R-L-Y')

  • Do not agree to accept his offer to go to his `Apartment in Ibiza', for a week with your friends. Once you've all booked your flights, he will tell you that, ``You can't go now'' . You'll have to ring all your friends and tell them this. You'll feel awful for all the money they have lost and for the money the new flights cost.

  • Do not go anywhere, where there may be the slightest chance, of being served; egg mayonnaise sandwiches. He'll fervently launch himself, into a diatribe of such unparalleled and unabashed hostility and disgust, that you'll wish you hadn't survived, your Mother's womb.

  • Do not under any circumstance, go with him (to his newly rented out house in Hackney) under the proviso, that he, is `just' going to; `Sort out the garage'. Unless you've got supplies and provisions for ten men, for ten days, you'll end up with: dehydration, malnutrition narcolepsy and a premature case of ageing. You'll never get over it.

  • Never! never! under any circumstances go to HMV, if  he `Just wants to have a look around'. Remember what I just wrote about Hackney and couple that, with the story of the bus service to Barking and you'll have some idea of the `time frame' we're talking about (and it is him again)

  • Don't go to any place on the planet (let alone Surrey) where men on motor bikes congregate. There's only so many `wheels' and beards, you can take together, before you want to kill someone. (yes him)

  • Never go with him to his flat, if he shares with other men. There won't be a number on the buzzer, there won't be a lock on the bathroom door, there won't be any toilet roll, there won't be any soap and there certainly won't be a mirror. If you do go, be it at your peril (unless you take antibacterial lotion)