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Useless Boyfriends in the Car E-mail

Does this section even need an introduction?

The true, true, `Uselessness', of your boyfriend, is profoundly exacerbated, when in the confinement of the motor vehicle. When this `Exceptional Uselessness ' occurs, it has the unfortunate added, contributory element, of the territorial instinct, of the Neanderthal cave man. He will have the malevolent, manoeuvrable resolve of Evel knievel and the linguistic aggressiveness of The Reverent Ian Paisley. Quite simply (The U.B. in his car) is a prophesy of doom, that even Nostradamus couldn't have foretold! Really the only person who can fully explain this, phenomena, is David Ike.

But the real problem here is ladies, is that when this happens, you are totally encapsulated, trapped and imprisoned, within the shell of the car; You cannot escape moreover what's worse, is that once your in `His' space ( remember space is defined as a vacuous environment, entirely devoid of matter and by matter I mean anything of real substantial meaning or value.....there's loads of that in his skull) you may as well be invisible or non-existant. You disappear once your posterior has hit the seat. Notice that once trapped there, you get that ethereal quality `about you', a bit like the `near death experience' You feel as if you are floating, outside your body (probably because you do want to be dead) Oh! and then come the ridiculous, soliloquies and oh, they do flow thick and fast (and they are a soliloquise because remember your not in that car at all and he is actually just talking to himself)

Worst case scenario, if and when an incident does occur (which it will do) to what degrees of embarrassment, can you descend? If we were to draw a bar graph, of how low you have actually plummeted,of just how bad the depth of your depression was, there would be no graph at all. Or it'd be totally metaphysical and once again we'd have to call upon the expertise of David Ike, to explain our esoteric findings. No scientific data or research, in any form, can explain, what happens to a man when he gets in a car but and it's a big `but', you can look out for these `signs' in the initial preliminaries, when you first meet someone.

OK once again, here is a comprehensive list, of the `Useless' warning signs:

  • First and foremost he drives at an alarming speed (you've only ever driven that fast, when you've had diarrhoea)

  • He takes both hands off (yes off) the steering wheel, while in the fast lane of the motor way, when it's raining.

  • He uses expletives for something as innocuous, as a lone pedestrian tripping upon a curb stone.

  • Profanities in the event of a female motorist, displaying a `Baby On Board' sign, in her rear window.

  • A barrage of blasphemy and repugnant ramblings, out of his window in response to a `Disabled Driver' simply stalling it, in front of him in a supermarket car park.

  • Him screaming at you, for sucking a boiled sweet (it was putting him off his manoeuvres apparently)

  • He is perpetually attached, while at the wheel, to his mobile phone.

  • Upon your first date, he gives you a fascinating demonstration, of the various speed settings of the windscreen wipers......?

  • He gets out of the car, while at a red light and `has a word', with another motorist, who didn't thank him, for `letting him go'.

  • He pushes you out of the car, at the Old Library Building in Erith. You  have all your dry cleaning with you.  That all falls in the road.

  • The inside of his car looks like a metaphorical pigs sty.