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  These are the moments of pure-semantic-Useless-ness.  Neither you, I or even Professor Stephen  Hawkins,  are or would be erudite enough, to work out what these phrases actually mean. `Useless Phrases' moreover it could also include anything, a UB, repeatedly stated or used, as a mantra or chant.  You can bet your and the other, 3/4 billion-odd-other-girls-lives, that he ain't got the mantra off the Dali Lama or any other spiritual guru either because one of the over-riding characteristics of a U.B is that of, complete and utter depleted spiritual enlightenment. 

  The UB aint got no credit in the bank of good karma and ordinarily, no cultural capital either where it should be, in his Solar Plexus.......know  what I'm getting at chick-letts? Let me spell it out; his thick and emotionally impotent (now theres a word) as well as Useless, that's why his useless.  It's the tautology of boom! Or the UB tautology of doom, although he might have a PHD in semantics 'cos usually his talking shit.
  My most Useless Boyfriend of all (and the inspiration for this website) would constantly employ the rhetorical question, as a simple linguistic device, when trying to legitimise his own `Uselessness'.   His phrase was;
     ``Am I right? Or am I right?''
                          or
      ``Or  not?....you agree with me or not?'
Well he was right about being something.  That consists of four letters.  It begins with the letter  `C' and ends with the letter `T' and for those  of you that are a bit dyslexic, there's a `U' after the `C' and an `N' before the `T' (sorry God)
The other `Useless Phrase', which he used to use in the early days when I used to ask him to do something, was;
  ``What now?''
         leading to
``What...right this minute.........right now?''
 And  guess what?......inevitably he'd never do it.
Tragically  I would only ask  him to do things for me, when it was  an absolute imperative, like;
  ``A water pipe has burst, can you phone an emergency  
     plumber?'' 
                                            or
   ``I've slashed the artery in my wrist.  Can you bring   
        me a  bandage?''
                                           or
   ``The Thames is about to flood...we need to evacuate''.
Whence would come the most pathetic, limp, emasculated,  `Useless' utterance of;
   ``What  now?....Right now? Right this minute? Can't
      it wait?  I've just got to do something really,
      really  unimportant.....something really useless......
      I've got check online, to see what day Christmas 
       Eve falls on......'
                                         (you)
    `But my artery is severed, can you ring 999 for me
     then please?.......I'm bleeding  to death''
                             (the Useless Boyfriend)
    ` What now? but once I've checked what day Christmas
       Eve falls on, next year, I've got to go and count how many
      ear buds we have left in the bathroom''


I gave up asking him to do things, after about two months.
For Valentines Day one year, I  bought him a print of the John William Waterhouse painting, `Diogenes'. Luckily for me, he wasn't educated and so  didn't know who Diogenes was. If only I could have got him into a barrel at Niagara Falls. If only. What an injustice.
So ladies, please post your `Useless Phrases'. This may even end with the divine providence of some gorgeous Chick-lett, recognising the `Useless Boyfriend' and bin-ing him!!!!!!! 

( He wouldn't even be good enough to go to a Land Refill Site.  Any thoughts on recycling? But what of him would you want to recycle? Would there be anything of him, worth re-cycling? Mother Earth;Gaia? She wouldn't be interested in him. She's been around billions of years.  She moved on years back.  It wouldn't even help those who live in developing countries.  In fact it might even impede their development.  One way The U.B. might be useful, is if we could recycle him for those needing  skin grafts.  Skin is categorically not Useless)

  Sorry I digress however I feel much better now. Here are two Useless Phrases:

  • `Where's it all going to end?'
  • `What's the point in that?'

To which is applicable to everything and anything, from buying a lasange in Sainsbury's, moping the floor, getting up for work, cooking and breathing.

I have a new entry here, a gift from a colleague.  This colleague of mine,  states that her boyfriend, only, ever, now, says; `OK'.  That is it Chick-letts, that's it; `OK'. She cannot get anything else out of him, full stop.

Compliance is a  great thing but for one so `Uselesss?'  He very well could be shagging your sister and so is going along with anything, you are saying. Test him and sit him in front of `News Night'.  If he starts screaming at the TV, then yes He is shagging your sister however if He says nothing, He has probably just had a stroke and you can breath a sigh of relief.

And here is my all time favourite!!!!

  • `Let's see how it pans out '. 

 What is Pans Out? What does `Pans Out' mean? Is it in the dictionary?It is unquestionably a verb because it is a `doing' word but doing what exactly? It may also be an adjective, as it is describing `something' but what is this something?  It does not fall exclusively, into the colloquial vernacular, of any particular region or  regional dialect, does it?   `Let's see how it pans out'  like the word`Coffee', could encompass everything. It's also a brilliant  escape clause and/or opportunity, for anything/everything, to happen or not happen.

 The many retired men of the sea; Admirals' plural, who in their leisure time, used to frequent the National Maritme Museum in Greenwich (where my friend Mary worked)  use to spout this Euphemism, all the time. It never worked; she never slept with any of them.  Of course there were the other couple of elements mixed with the `Pans out', euphamism that proved for them to be the `kiss of death', such as they were all 40 or 50 years older than her, that they would also state how much money they had and/or would announce the fact that they had homes all over the world.  To retired Sea Admirals' `Pans Out' is the euphamism of choice.  Is'nt it sickening when the established elite, immediatly assume that all British proletariat girls', would follow in the foot steps of Anna Nicole Smith and sleep with them for money.  Let's leave that to the Americans', that is what they do best. By the way, isn't  Hugh Heffner every girls' dream?

I would hypothosise here, that one may categorise this more as a `Useless Euphemism', than a `Useless Catch Phrase' and so  Chick-letts' let's metamorphasise this  category, into;

Useless  Euphemisms
`Useless Euphemisms', these are  Mens' `Get out of Jail' card. The sacred cow, the Holy Grail,  God's answer, once and for all, to all Men everywheres prayers,
 Post-break-up or break-down, you can't truly analysis the `Euphemism'.  This is because they mean NOTHING.  Have you noticed that women, never use them?
I'm  not saying  that these occasions below, don't genuinely arise; I know they do, of course they do. The point I am making is, it is when he has fed you a `Useless Euphemism' quite sincerely  (translation; sincerely; lying) and you catch him out, not by premeditated stealth or surreptitious procedure but by pure accident, chance or coincidence and then the penny instantly drops, you know, that He has fed you a `Useless Euphemism'.
Argh! the affiliated hatred that's borne from this. It's quite unparalleled. This is when you truly want to kill him.
Why lie? I don't get it? Why not just be a human  being and say `I don't want to see you tonight' or `I just want to sleep with you once' or `I don't want to see you again'. To be frank, 99½ % of the time, I'd have gone along with that too. It's not just men  who get desperate.
And so here you go girlfriends; some of my all time favourites (and it was hard to whittle this list down, I can tell you)
  1st and the all time Daddy;

  •  `Would you like to come in for coffee?'
  • `Oh.....I can't come, I've got to work'
  • `I've got a family meal'
  • `I'm meeting  my Pen Pal in France'
  • `I can't  make it. I'm going on my yearly charitable pilgrimage to Lourdes(Scientists' will be able to neutralise gravity before you suss out what that actually means)
  •  `Not tonight, I've had a death in the family'.
  •   `Not this weekend, I've  got  my Kids'.
  • ` I've got to take my dog to the vets'.
  •  `I've  got to slow down'.
  •   `I'm going to India on business'. 
  •   `I've had an accident on my laminate flooring.  I was shuffling over it and I   
      tripped and I've torn something.  (I made that one up but it could be true)
  •   `It' .  `It's happened again'. `I've got it for the weekend'.   `It's  that
        thing again' .  `I don't know what it is but........'It's just not right'
  •    I have a `competition' in the morning......

Once more, let me restate quite clearly, in the most unsophisticated and unequivocal manner possible, the Useless Euphemism `It' means nowt. NOWT!  Bin him!  Before he sleeps  with your sister.
Try cross-examining a man when he next uses a `Useless Euthemism'.  The sheer complexity and contortion of his facial muscles, while  he symbiotically endeavours , to get his brain engaged, to deliver a quick and thorough explanation is  priceless. You can see thoughts flicker before his eyes and yet disappear forthwith, as he realises that if   he vocalises the cognitive content of his thoughts, he  will look like an `oil-tanker' (Cockney rhyming).  Ultimately panic sets  in,  as he realises that he cannot justify anything  and off  he makes, like Seb Coe, trying to keep the Olympic Games on budget ( Ironically that's never going to happen either)
Incongruously  I now find the `Useless Euphemism', very, very funny.
`Let's see how it pans out',  is genius, genius.  Promise me you'll try and use it, on your next boyfriend but only if he is useless.


Useless Phrases Your Friends Use, When They know His Useless

 These are the `tit bits', that other people say to YOU, when they know that your boyfriend is totally and completely `USELESS'.  Hear one of these and you know for sure he needs to be binned.

           1      Just ignore it.......it's not worth it.

    2        Move on........I would.
    3        D'ya think he will die of an overdoes?
    4        Wouldn't it be easier if you were a lesbian?.....
    5        Some people are just unlucky in love....but your poor too...so...nightmare...
    6        Wouldn't it be easier to get a Toy Boy?.....at least you'd get sex.......
    7        I had a boyfriend like that once........never again......
    8        Argh that's terrible....... but all you can do is laugh.........init?
    9        I can't believe it!...........
    10      I know someone you can go out with.....His divorced and  has his  own  
    Bungalow!.......(my Mum said that)
    11       I know someone better than him.......His fifty though....is that a problem?(Nina)
    12       'I know someone you can go out with...His fifty though and he's had a stroke......is that a problem? (Carla)