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I know that this is a terrible category Chick-letts but it's definitely worth a guilty giggle.  Hence forth I will probably evoke a dreadful occurrence, of`Instant karma' and another cycle of Samsara but I just couldn't exclude it. Sorry God.
 Generally I am terrified about the loss of libido during the menopause. Youth leaves so quickly....it's just not fair however paradoxically lately, I have become much more philosophical about it.  

  I  hypothesize that it's just natures way, of giving us chick-letts', a much needed `Men-Oh-Pause'. A giant pause in the middle of your life, to let you get over, all of the trauma, of all of the Useless Bastards, that have bleed you dry: financially and psychologically.
  Take heed, you do not have to be middle-aged for the  `Men-Oh-Pause' to strike.  It  happens to the best of us and there does not have to be an intrinsic physiological hormonal malfunction, either.  Oh no! the prerequisite for the prompt instant libido Loss is, yep, the U.B. Himself. 
  If there is a U.B. on the scene, expect the possible total obliteration of your libido, at any time.  The good news is once the U.B is out of your eye sight, your Libido returns instantly.  It  comes back even quicker........if he dies.
 The specific act  that inspired this whole category,  is the following story from  a dear friend of mine.

  • There's nothing wrong with sleep walking. There's nothing wrong with urinating and there's certainly nothing wrong with drinking moderately but......when you wake up, to find that the drunk `U.B' has; slept walked and urinated in your shoes. Oh! The romance of it!
     Let me tell you, the better the  craftsmanship of shoe; the more urine they hold. The softer the quality the leather, the more `odour' is  retained and finally  the more expensive your shoes, the steeper the loss of your Libido. Hypothetical scenario here; Pre-piss-in-your-shoes', He could have been Daniel Craig, post-piss-in-your-shoes, You will never fancy this man again. It's adiós libido! and hey presto! he's turned into John McCurrick, which is quite literally...........a fate worse than death.  
  • My friend met a guy on the Internet (don't get me started on that one) and He turned up wearing a TAG!!!! This gives a whole new dynamic to the term 'Accessory Anxiety'.  
  • Cuts all his toe nails off and lines them up along the bath-animal!
  • My friend met a guy.  He ticked all the right  boxes; hurray! great!....well it was until.....he turned up for a date, wearing a feminine `Gold Necklace'.
    You know the bit in the film `Titanic', when they close all the `bulk heads' and lock all the proletariats in `steerage'......it was that type of vibe; as soon as she saw `The Necklace', everything shut down.  Her libido totally flat lined. A terrible fate! Terrible! 
  • He turns up, `off the cuff' one afternoon,  wearing `MC Hammer pants'.
  • You can smell his trainers.
  • You can see his `I love Millwall' tattoo.
  • He starts camply humming Donna Summer `I feel love'. He should have felt something alright....the back of my hand.
  • He tells you that he is going to `Join the  church  of Scientology' (the cat, laminate shuffle man and interactive porn channel man)
  • He takes you to a market stall  in Woolwich, to show you where;
        `I buy my mobile phone accessories'    
  • He starts using emotive language, when talking about a court case, with an ex-girlfriend.
  • His pubic hair, is shaved off...completely.  Look women like hair on a man, it's masculine and sexy, other wise, you may as well be in bed with Larry Grayson.
  • He calls you his `Lover'.
  • He is a `techno-nerd-electrician'  His house is wired up with every bit of technology under the sun! He has 3 illegal satellite dishes, is proud of having a zillion different porn channels, is tracking North Korea, touches base with the scientists and engineers working on the `Hadron Collider' and has Gary McKinnon on speed dial (you get the picture yeah?) You sit down to watch your favourite film that he so considerately recorded for you (Nanny McPhee) but savouring his own sense of `competent-techno-achievement', he forgets I'm there altogether and  He gets `caught up in the moment' and scrolls up and down, the interactive live porn channel, that he had recorded.......and rang in on.....all week long... Oh dear........................useless.
  • He talks incessantly about the `Summer Of Love in 1988'. The music, the clubs, how many drugs people took, Boy Georges Birthday party etc etc...on and on and on and on he goes, like a broken record...it's boring....but thats prolific drug abuse for you.
  • He thinks everyone in the world, is his intellectual inferior.
  • He talks incessantly about money and the fact, that when his Mother dies, her house will be his.
  • He talks incessantly about how good he looks (his bald, got bad skin and constantly shakes because of his cocaine addiction)
  • Talks about his penis, as if it is an entity on it's own.
  • Stalking......and so I shall expand here into the next category.....