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Useless Boyfriend Quiz - Find Out if you are a Useless Boyfriend! E-mail

This is absolutely true and tells the story of a real relationship.

Imagine that you meet an attractive, intelligent woman with you whom you really click on your first date. She has a career, four good kids all of whom are academically high achievers, her own house and a good head on her shoulders. In fact, she is just what you were looking for when you joined a dating site. Eventually you realise that you love her and she loves you – this is a first in your life. Of course she isn’t without her problems. Let's see how the useless boyfriend copes with this relationship:

1. The first time you have sex the pill fails. You agree that termination is the best option. However, the clinic has said that she must be accompanied to and from the appointment as if she uses public transport she could end up vomiting and screaming in pain and a member of the public may end up calling an ambulance. This makes her quite scared. Do you:

a. Support her and go and hold her hand whilst she has the procedure done, and then drive her safely home and stay with her for the day?

b. Let her make her own arrangements because you do not want to let your cousin’s husband down with work? Fortunately her ex husband steps in and drives her there and back and her son is there to hold her hand whilst she’s bleeding, cramping and in pain, crying with distress at losing her baby. You turn up when it is all over and make amends by buying a Chinese takeaway.

2. Your girlfriend of only a few weeks offers to make you a tuna and mayonnaise sandwich for lunch. All of the bowls are in the dishwasher so she mixes it on a plate. Do you:

a. Say thank you Darling, that would be really nice, and even though you are slightly irritated that she doesn’t use a bowl are grateful that she has thought about you and is making you a sandwich?

b. Go ballistic and shout abuse at her, then refuse to talk to her, upsetting her so much that she sits in the back garden and cries until you come out and apologise twenty minutes later?

3. Your girlfriend is interested in a range of topics and loves to have an intelligent conversation. She always tries to put her viewpoint across with a reasoned opinion even though you sometimes disagree with what she says. Do you:

a. Listen to what she has to say and sometimes agree to disagree, but understand where she is coming from and appreciate the fact that she does express articulate, intelligent views, after all it is good to be seeing someone with a brain who can think for themselves?

b. Tell her on an almost daily basis that what comes out of her mouth is stupid, devalue her opinions and slam them down, and tell her that she has no idea what she is talking about, making her feel completely stupid and belittled for having dared to express an opinion?

4. Your girlfriend jokes one day after a conversation with a female friend of hers that if she knows she is wrong she will still argue the point. Do you:

a. Realise that this isn’t the case because she can and quite often admits if she is wrong about something?

b. Constantly remind her every time she expresses an opinion that you disagree with, that she must be wrong and is simply making it up?

5. Your girlfriend is feeling down and lonely after her Mother’s death. Do you:

a. Feel glad that her friends are there for her, even though they might not all live locally, and realise that she is well liked and special to a lot of people?

b. Keep telling her that she has no friends and needs to get a life? (Of course, if you do acknowledge her friends you might also have to realise that they are constantly telling her what a cock you are and how she can do so much better than you!)

6. Your girlfriend spend ages choosing meat for you in the supermarket (she is vegetarian) and often buys a nice bottle of wine and dessert and spends ages cooking for you. In fact every time she goes shopping she buys food for you and rings to ask if you would like something in particular. Do you:

a. Show your gratitude by saying thank you and appreciating it every time she cooks a meal for you?

b. Complain before she has cooked that it might not be enough as you are starving and then struggle to eat your huge meal? Of course you always say thank you but you also complain that she is sloppy when she serves up, probably just to wind you up. At no point are you amazed that she continues to cook for you and wonder why she hasn’t told you to just cook your own food in future.

7. Your girlfriend is vegetarian and has been for years. Do you:

a. Accept the fact because she never complains that you eat meat, she even cooks it for you, and it is a choice that she respects?

b. Refuse to accept the fact because human beings are designed to eat meat and, with your obvious wealth of medical knowledge, blame the fact that she often gets ill on the fact that she does not eat meat?

8. Your girlfriend frequently buys you chocolate and puts it in your cupboard space, cooks for you, washes your clothes, always does her best to please you and has built you a website, frequently checking its Google position. She designed you a logo, business cards, a database and promotes you to all of her friends and work colleagues. She has been to the supplier for you and brought you bacon rolls whilst you are working. She often makes you a packed lunch. She supports you when people take advantage of you. She rings you to ask if you want anything when she is out shopping. Do you:

a. Realise how lucky you are to have a caring girlfriend? She is the loveliest person you have ever met.

b. Tell her frequently that she is totally selfish and whatever she does is never good enough because the relationship is comfortable and boring?

9. You quite often go out for a drink or for a meal where one of you has to drive. Do you:

a. Sometimes offer to drive, especially when it is a meal with her family or meeting up with her friends?

b. Never offer to drive because she can just drink sparkling water and besides she gets embarrassing when she drinks in front of your friends? She is boring and never wants to go out but when she does you don’t want her making a fool of herself and more importantly of you. This includes singing on the karaoke machine. How could she be so selfish as to enjoy herself? That was enough for you not to talk to her for the rest of the night.

10. Your girlfriend has a quirky dress sense. It isn’t the way that you would choose to dress but it is her and she does make an effort when you go out. Do you:

a. Tell her that how she dresses is fine and occasionally comment on something you are not sure about?

b. Tell her that the way she dresses in unsexy, unflattering and that the reason for your lack of sex life is because she does not make an effort? Coming home to her in a dressing gown and looking comfortable in her own home is a complete turn off. She should learn to dress like your female friend whom you do not fancy at all but manages somehow to tick all the right boxes for you.

11. You often come back from work shattered and cannot be bothered to do anything. When you go to your girlfriend’s house for the evening do you:

a. Get in the shower to wake yourself up?

b. Fall asleep on the sofa or refuse to do anything and then when your girlfriend does the same on the odd occasion complain because you have made the effort to come over and she has ruined the evening by being so selfish? Of course you remind her that she only teaches teenagers all day and it isn’t back breaking work so she has no right to be tired.

12. Your girlfriend was raped a few months before you met her. She spent three months waiting for a negative HIV result having taken anti-viral medication for a month. She is honest with you about this but hardly ever mentions it because she would rather forget it and get on with her life. Do you:

a. Appreciate the fact that she confided in you and respect that it is clearly so traumatic that she does not like bringing it up?

b. Remind her every time she wants to go out at night on her own, even if it is because you have made her so upset that she wants to get out of her own house and get away from you, and suggest that she should know better having been raped like it was her own fault and she is asking for it to happen again?

13. You smoke Weed almost every night until your girlfriend points out that it makes your heart beat race too fast and that she is worried about your health. Do you:

a. Stop smoking it because you realise that smoking it every night since you were a teenager cannot have been a good thing to do?

b. Stop smoking it for a while but when you go snowboarding or round a mate’s house, have a smoke and start doing it again like a total addict that struggles to give it up, even secretly leaning out of your parent’s window like a naughty teenager to have a smoke before bed, and then moan at your girlfriend for nagging at you and telling you what to do?

14. Your girlfriend is clearly sensitive and really cares about you. In fact she spends months trying to find out if you love her and then tells you how much she loves you. Do you:

a. Tell her that you love and care for her and look forward to building a future together?

b. Tell her that you don’t do love, probably never will love anyone, reluctantly telling her that you do love her over a year into the relationship but implying that you cannot finish with her in case she kills herself and say that if you had enough money you would go abroad without a moment’s thought, spending the majority of the year snowboarding? You also remind her constantly that you need your space and when she suggests moving in tell her not to be so ridiculous because there is not enough space in her four bedroom house and you need your own space (in your small bedroom in your parent’s house).

15. Your girlfriend works hard, holding down a full time job, a business and looking after three teenage children. Housework sometimes is left. You do not actually live together. Do you:

a. Accept that it is not your house and that she is not lazy but there simply aren’t that many hours in a day?

b. Constantly moan at her about the state of the house, even if as much as a dinner plate is left on the dining table, and make her so paranoid that she never stops cleaning when she knows you are coming round, shouts at the kids to do their bit and gets really, really stressed? Of course you come and go as you please, never making a commitment to live there but feeling that you have the right to complain and threaten to go home if it is not to your exacting standards.

16. Your girlfriend has an eating disorder. She is honest with you about this. It only affects her occasionally but seems to be getting much worse lately. Do you:

a. Try and understand, research it and realise that it is about control, thinking perhaps that she feels so out of control when you are in her house taking over, telling her what to do and making her too scared to even speak that it has got to the point that she cannot keep a meal down?

b. Keep telling her that it is wrong and threaten to tell her children if she doesn’t get a grip?

17. Your girlfriend is teacher who managed to get a Degree whilst raising four children and now has a good career, her own house and four bright kids all of whom are at or are destined for University. Do you:

a. Congratulate her on her achievements and tell her that she has done really well to be where she is?

b. Complain that all teachers are arrogant and think that they are better than everyone else? Tell her that the fact that she managed to get a degree is nothing special and her children’s achievements mean nothing because anyone can get a degree these days and all the kids are getting A*s in their GCSEs? Make no effort to go and see her son receive a prize and try your best not to go and see him receive any cadet awards or be on parade (ok you did a few times, but after much persuasion) and tell her that she has simply muddled through life and achieved nothing so far which is highly ironic as you live in your parent’s house, earn little more than minimum wage and have no kids or anything to show for your existence on this planet so far.

18. Being a responsible parent, your girlfriend did not expose her children to drugs as they were growing up. On one occasion, when you visit friends, she expresses shock (not surprise) that friends of yours deal drugs in front of their children and smoke Weed in a closed room in the presence of their ten year old child. The fumes make her feel nauseas.  Do you:

a. Agree that it is not ideal, but that is how some people leave and who are you to judge, and leave it at that?

b. Tear a strip off of her in the car on the way home to the point that she cries and cannot speak to you on the way back because the drugs didn’t make her feels sick, the alcohol did (clearly you know this because you are in her head and alcohol always makes her feel sick!), tell her that she has lived a sheltered life and say that she has no right to be shocked because it is perfectly normal behaviour and you have no problem smoking Weed in a room where your ten year old god daughter is breathing in your fumes? She didn’t say anything to your friends but the fact that she even remotely expressed an opinion about this to you in private is enough to make your blood boil – how dare she criticise your friends!

19. Your girlfriend’s daughter has not spoken to her for a year following her grandmother’s death. Clearly she is grieving but your girlfriend finds this distressing. When her daughter gets back in touch she is thrilled and welcomes her and her boyfriend into HER house. Do you:

a. Take a step back and do everything possible not to put a strain on the relationship because you love your girlfriend and know that this means the world to her? When she is swearing at her mother’s party go and have a discrete word with your girlfriend to ask her to ask her to stop as it might upset your mother whom your girlfriend has kindly invited along too?

b. Go up to your girlfriend’s children and her boyfriend, tell them that they are acting like children and have a go at them, leave the party without even saying goodbye to your girlfriend and then shout at her daughter and call her a CUNT on the telephone a few days later when their mother is missing because she is so upset at the way you have treated her over her birthday?

20. On your birthday your girlfriend arranges a meal out for the two of you. You do not know that she has arranged a surprise and has invited your friends and family, and bought you a birthday cake for the evening. Do you:

a. Wonder about her choice of venue but appreciate the effort and give it a go?

b. Say that you are not going into the restaurant because it looks so awful, you have higher standards and storm off down the high street? When she tells you that she has invited your friends and family say that she should ring them and cancel it or try and book somewhere else, but eventually go in and have a good time anyway, still not appreciating that your girlfriend has done all of this for you and then trying your best to ruin her birthday when the time comes, working on the day of her barbecue and then turning up and having a go at her for not having everything ready on time?

21. On your girlfriend’s birthday you have arranged to go to London for a day out and a meal in the evening with her daughter and her friend. Your friend is down for the day and texts you that morning. The last time he was down you couldn’t be bothered to go and see him so now you would like to make the effort. Your girlfriend says that we might make it back in time, but when that isn’t going to happen suggests you get the train back on your own in the evening. Do you:

a. Put your girlfriend’s feelings first. It is her birthday after all. When she suggests coming back alone say thank you and get the train back to see your friend?

b. Sulk, so much so that even her friend asks you to go back on the train? Keep bringing up the fact that it is her daughter’s fault that you didn’t make it back, even though the trip to London had been arranged weeks ago?

22. Your girlfriend’s daughter refuses to visit home again and your girlfriend asks for you to be the adult and make the first move, suggesting that you both go up to Nottingham to smooth things over. Do you:

a. Make an effort because you know how much it means to her. You might not want to travel to Nottingham but you try and reach a compromise somehow, maybe emailing her or ringing her to apologise or even meeting halfway?

b. Refuse to accept that you did anything wrong? Tell your girlfriend you hate her daughter’s boyfriend and will never get on with him. Say that her daughter is a spoilt brat and fail to understand why she is so upset, after all the situation doesn’t really have anything to do with the way you have behaved.

23. Your girlfriend falls pregnant for a second time. Do you:

a. Be supportive, give her space to make a decision and think that maybe, if she does decide the keep the baby you could actually be quite lucky to be given the chance to be a Father.

b. Shout at her and bully her so much that she cries and agrees at the end of every conversation to have a termination to appease you? Fail to realise that you are bullying her into submission each time, totally dismiss any notion that she might want to keep it and then accuse of her of not being able to make her mind up? Tell her that you have read about women like her who have 5 children by different dads and call her a Chav? When she eventually tells you that it was a mistake and there is no baby do not even question why, I mean could it be to stop your bullying and get rid of you?

24. When your girlfriend says that if she has the baby she would return to work soon after do you:

a. Think under the circumstances you understand the financial pressure and giving the baby a chance of life with day care is better than killing it?

b. Threaten to go for custody if she puts it into day care even though you do not want to be a father and think she should have a termination?

25. Your girlfriend wants to decorate her house. She is happy to do it herself even though it won’t be perfect. Do you:

a. Offer to help but accept that your time is limited and that if she decorates it might not be a perfect job but it will be ok? Lend a hand with the small things she cannot do?

b. Refuse to let her do anything? Go to work and tell her to leave it and then come back and do it all yourself, eventually spending two weeks on it? She is grateful, but then have a go at her for taking up all your time and stopping you from working when you have your own life to lead?

26. Your girlfriend has been down for months and has told you that she has been having suicidal thoughts and needs help. Do you:

a. Realise what she has been through and go easy on her for a while, suggesting that she visit the doctor and go with her if necessary? You realise that you have been harsh on her and when she cries it is mostly because you have pushed her to that point by having a go at her for something.

b. Keep having a go at her, run her down and make her feel like a bad mother, unsexy, unattractive, useless in the house, stupid and without anything going for her, finish with her by email and then, when she has attempted suicide, continue to make things difficult for her by ostracising her daughter, telling her that she is unbalanced and that any suicide attempt or constant crying is just playing games, because she would drink a bottle of wine, risk her licence and put her children through that as part of a game!

27. Your girlfriend goes for much needed counselling and realises that the root of the problem is you because of the way you talk to her and make her feel about herself. Do you:

a. Listen to her, realise that when even her children say that you sound like you are threatening them when you talk to them, that you might have some issues and try and get them sorted out to make the relationship stronger?

b. Just put it down to counselling because you know someone once who had counselling and it came between him and his mother so clearly the counsellor has been saying things and your girlfriend’s mental health state has absolutely nothing to do with you.

28. When your girlfriends rings you twice in rapid succession and says that she is bleeding and is panicking that she might be having a miscarriage do you:

a. Tell your client that you have to go and rush round to see if she is ok?

b. Have a go at her for interrupting you when you are talking to a client and should know that if you do not answer your phone you are busy?

29. On the same night, on what would have been her mother’s birthday almost two years after her death, she rings you almost in tears and asks if she can come round. Do you:

a. Say of course, I’ll put the kettle on, give her a big hug when she gets there and see if she needs medical attention?

b. Sighs loudly, saying that that you are about to get into the shower and need something to eat before going to bed?

30. When your girlfriend rings you the next day to say that she has been at the hospital during the night do you:

a. Get in your car and go over to see if she is ok, ringing your client to cancel the day’s work on grounds of a family emergency, or at least ring during the day to see if she is ok and then call in on your way back from work?

b. Practically ignore her and when she rings later sound surprised that she has not gone out with her friends as planned and say that you are still planning on going out with your mate that evening for a drink?

31. When your girlfriend then gets upset with you and becomes hysterical on the phone because of the way you have treated her and finishes it, saying that she doubts you ever loved her do you:

a. Go and try and sort things out, grovelling if necessary because you realise that potentially she is the best thing that ever happened to you, see if you can find out what has happened to the pregnancy and make sure that she is physically ok and reassure her that you do love her?

b. Say sorry and then goodbye?


Mostly As

You are anything but a useless boyfriend. In fact you are a loving and caring boyfriend. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You and your girlfriend have a good future ahead of you and you will make a great Dad.

Mostly Bs

USELESS! It is time you realise that:

  1. You have OCD.
  2. You are a control freak.
  3. You have commitment phobia.
  4. You have anger management issues.
  5. You are a drug addict.
  6. You are not bright enough to accept somebody else’s opinion or argue with any reason, having to make yourself heard with brute force.
  7. You are not bright because you find racist jokes funny, even though your god daughter is black (ok not part of the quiz but true all the same).
  8. You are not earning enough because you do not think that you are good enough. Putting others down compensates for this.
  9. You nearly drove your girlfriend to suicide – she has had a lucky escape by getting away from you. You would never make a fit parent.
  10. Your precious freedom is not so great if it means living in your parent’s house – do you really have your own space?
  11. Most of your friends are married with kids and are happy, doting on their children. It isn’t a life sentence, it’s called having a life.
  12. Getting stoned is not that great when you do it so often you can’t feel it anymore.